About Relationships, Divorce and Mind-Reading

This blog is devoted to relationships. A healthy relationship is one of the main ingredients of a happy life. A healthy relationship is not a given though, i.e. it does not just happen. I'm a firm believer that you have to work on it. But let me define what I mean by "work". If there is one I don't mean by it is trying to change someone. Yesterday I heard a girlfriend of mine tell her fiance, "I hope you know that you are not going to do that after we're married. Do what you want NOW, but I am not going to tolerate that behavior after we are married".  I always wonder at people who think that marriage is in some magical way going to solve their problems. Why do they think that putting their signature on a marriage license, gives them the power to radically change their significant others. I think that might be one of the reasons why so many marriages end in divorce. I was with my husband, then boy-friend, for a long time before I got married. And the reason I did so, was to get to know him and come to terms with his ways; to be sure that I can be happy with him just the way he is. I had to love his flaws as much as his strengths. And let me just put it out there...I don't mean to say that change is bad. Change is actually great when the person wants to change. But if the person has no intention of changing, and you are constantly trying to push him/her to change, it means that you don't want that person. You don't love that person...you want someone else that isn't him or her. Your marriage license does not enable you to "mold" a person...and when you finally realize that, one of two things happens: you either end up living with that person without being happy or you get a divorce. So if you don't think you can be  happy with that person just the way he/she is then why even commit?!
Another thing that can make or break a relationship is the goal. For a relationship to be healthy and happy you need to make marriage as your goal not your wedding. (For those who never legally commit, living with someone should be the goal not moving in with him/her). You have to work on your marriage every single day! It is going to seem like I am expressing conflicting ideas here but just hear me out. By work, (among other things) I mean talking with each other. I think communication is the key to a healthy relationship! It is never good to hold things inside. Sometimes what you might think was the worst thing your significant other did might turn out to be the best thing he/she ever did when talked about it from his/her perspective. Instead of pulling your hair out and spending sleepless nights over it, you should talk about it. You might disagree but at least you know where he/she was coming from. Some people collect so many things inside over the years and never talk about them that one day they realize that they don't even love their partner any more. When trying to figure out why their love disintegrated and their relationship fell apart they are left with no answer. And here's why: while minor incidents are long forgotten, the anger and hurt and disappointment you felt when they happened stay with you, and over time they turn into indifference, contempt and sometimes hatred. It doesn't have to be that way. If people pay attention to small things as they happen and solve them, it won't get to a point of no return. A little rain never gets anyone's attention but a hurricane gets everyone's attention. You don't have to hire a divorce lawyer before you ask your significant other, "Where did we go wrong?" Instead, if you don't like something, right at that moment ask, "What am I doing wrong? Is there anything I did to hurt your feelings?" or "You know, I did not like the way you talked to me in front of so and so today". Always talk calm though, never confront a person but rather show them how eager you are to hear their point of view. Hear them, don't just listen! Try to understand what they are really saying. If you don't agree, express your point of view without screaming or in the worst case leaving the room and throwing a you-know-what-I'm-done at him/her. Disagreeing and agreeing are both good as long as you really hear each other out. (Thanks to communication, both my husband  and I have changed so much throughout years. However, we have never forced the other person to make that change. We have done that at will, after hearing each other out). You have to consider that you are two different people, you have had two different life experiences, you have grown up in two different families, and now you are making  one taking all that with you! We often expect people to act as we would in a given situation, but how you would act under circumstances is not necessarily how another person would! As I already said, we really are different people! Once I had an AHA! moment when my husband said, "I'm not a mind-reader, you know! If you wanted me to do that why didn't you just tell me so?" If you want something, ask! Do not expect it to naturally happen! If it does, great! But if not, it is not a shame to ask, right? None of us is a mindreader really!
What do you think? I would love to hear from you.